Reading Stops The Craziest Thing Happening to You by Spiders!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT! I LITERALLY DIED WHEN I READ THIS!!!

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Oh Hai Thar!

Sorry about taking almost three months to post. What? ONE YEAR and three months? Haha. Very funn... um... sooo...

This! Lookit this!

So that happened. And then a new job. And then stuff. But I'm here now. I promise.

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An Inconvenient Thing: Part I

Welcome to a new feature that I hope you enjoy, a story called An Inconvenient Thing. This story is a serialization with no rhyme nor reason. There will be no set lengths since I'm writing on the fly and letting the story go where it will: this first offering is tiny at just over 200 words when I'm used to writing 2000+ words at a sitting. There will be no set publication dates since it depends on the kind of time I get to update due to life's demands. But maybe the randomness will help to make it a little more special. Or maybe it will hurt it. I guess we'll find out.

This serialized story was inspired by stories you may know, and is in a way a response to them. How long will the story go on for? That depends on a number of factors, not the least of which is you, the reader. Subscribe, visit, comment. Let me know what you think of An Inconvenient Thing. Let me know where I can improve. Let me know lines you love, or characters for that matter. If the story takes a turn you don't understand or like, let me know that too. Help me write Tatiana's story by being an active reader. I look forward to your feedback, and I hope you enjoy this serialization.

AN INCONVENIENT THING

Part 1: Upon Waking

I tasted the dirt on my lips and felt the weight of the earth pressing down on my chest. I didn't expect dead to feel so alive. A synapse fired in my brain, reminding me that I should be panicking. After all, I was buried alive, wasn't I? But I was dead. I remembered dying. I remembered the darkness flooding my vision and how it felt like his tight embrace was becoming as wispy as smoke.

          I tried to lift my hand, but it was held tight, pinned by the demanding earth. Another synapse fired, urging me to struggle, but I kind of liked it here in the ground. I don't remember what my mother's womb felt like - who does - but I imagined it felt much like this. I wiggled a finger, working it through the loose loam, and reveled in the sensation. 

          It was nice here, comforting, but it was an inconvenient thing, too. As the synapses continued to fire and my brain continued stretching, waking, I felt more and more like it was time to be reborn. It seemed appropriate that I remembered my death before I remembered my life, but it started to come back to me - I am Tatiana. I am nineteen. And I am a vampire.

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Skydeas™

I have ideas. I am Sky. Therefore, I have Skydeas™! But where do Skydeas™ come from? Are they like mana from MMORPG heaven? Do I have a barrel of Skydeas™ like some people have barrels of monkeys? Do I catch them with a butterfly net and mace? Do I have a pair of mommy and daddy Skydeas™ which I give oysters and chocolate and copious amounts of wine to in order to encourage them to create baby Skydeas™ for me?

I have to be honest, Skydeas™ aren't so esoteric as all that. They are actually very easy to come by in just a three easy steps:

• Step One: Get some Smarties. 
• Step Two: Get some bacon.
• Step Three: Get some ideas.

I know what you're thinking: Sky, I understand the bacon, it's inspirational, but Smarties? How does that lead to getting ideas?

Aside from the fact that they're Smarties and I've been eating them for years and I always got pretty good grades in school and so they must work, to get said Smarties and the bacon, you must go to a store. When you go to a store, you see things. When you see things, your mind stores the things. Then one day, you're standing in line at Walmart with your Mullet Master At-Home-Barbering Kit and your basket of BBQ pork rinds when it hits you: IDEAS!

You are suddenly reminded of the day you went to get Smarties and saw the lady in the purple and pink paisley muumuu slip and fall in the chicken meat aisle on some chicken juice and wondered, "Why can't clothes have airbags?" And then you see the guy in front of you has a bag of Donkey Mix for Healthy Donkeys and wondered, "Why can't donkeys have airbags?" And then you put them both together and wonder, "What would happen if our society became so paranoid of injury and pain that clothing, donkeys, and everything else was wrapped in airbags and we lost our situational awareness? How would that affect how we move through the world? Would we be more careful or less? And what if the airbags started to fail? How would our airbagless society cope with such a sweeping change in our tactile interactions?"

So get out there, experience the world, and get ideas. Just not Skydeas™. Those are mine.

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