Skydeas™

I have ideas. I am Sky. Therefore, I have Skydeas™! But where do Skydeas™ come from? Are they like mana from MMORPG heaven? Do I have a barrel of Skydeas™ like some people have barrels of monkeys? Do I catch them with a butterfly net and mace? Do I have a pair of mommy and daddy Skydeas™ which I give oysters and chocolate and copious amounts of wine to in order to encourage them to create baby Skydeas™ for me?

I have to be honest, Skydeas™ aren't so esoteric as all that. They are actually very easy to come by in just a three easy steps:

• Step One: Get some Smarties. 
• Step Two: Get some bacon.
• Step Three: Get some ideas.

I know what you're thinking: Sky, I understand the bacon, it's inspirational, but Smarties? How does that lead to getting ideas?

Aside from the fact that they're Smarties and I've been eating them for years and I always got pretty good grades in school and so they must work, to get said Smarties and the bacon, you must go to a store. When you go to a store, you see things. When you see things, your mind stores the things. Then one day, you're standing in line at Walmart with your Mullet Master At-Home-Barbering Kit and your basket of BBQ pork rinds when it hits you: IDEAS!

You are suddenly reminded of the day you went to get Smarties and saw the lady in the purple and pink paisley muumuu slip and fall in the chicken meat aisle on some chicken juice and wondered, "Why can't clothes have airbags?" And then you see the guy in front of you has a bag of Donkey Mix for Healthy Donkeys and wondered, "Why can't donkeys have airbags?" And then you put them both together and wonder, "What would happen if our society became so paranoid of injury and pain that clothing, donkeys, and everything else was wrapped in airbags and we lost our situational awareness? How would that affect how we move through the world? Would we be more careful or less? And what if the airbags started to fail? How would our airbagless society cope with such a sweeping change in our tactile interactions?"

So get out there, experience the world, and get ideas. Just not Skydeas™. Those are mine.

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Cachinnating at Thesauri: The Proper Care and Feeding of Dialogue

Do you like to use a thesaurus? Really? That's great! Some writers say that thesauruses (thesauri?) are tools of the Devil. I disagree. I think they can be very useful in helping you find a better word for a sentence or phrase you might be struggling with, or for getting you out of the "I used the word angry 736 times in my 5,000 word short story" rut. By using a thesaurus, instead of angry, you can use annoyed, bitter, chafed, cross, displeased, enraged, exasperated, fierce, fiery, fuming, furious, , hateful, heated, hot, huffy, ill-tempered, impassioned, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irascible, irate, ireful, irritable, irritated, maddened, nettled, offended, outraged, provoked, raging, resentful, riled, sore, storming, sulky, sullen, tumultous/tumultuous, uptight, vexed, or wrathful. Just be careful, because if you use splenetic, people might think that you are a little big for your britches.

But this post isn't about the thesaurus. Oh no, my friends! In fact, I want you to forget that they even exist for the next 30 minutes (if you are a really slow reader). In fact, if you even think about opening a thesaurus or a thesaurus web site, I'm going to send a thousand hungry squirrels to your door with orders to find the acorns hidden in your pants. Green? Super green! (A thousand points to you if you get the reference. Just enough to buy squirrel repellent.)

"Enough! I cachinnated at thesauri, but after that, your endeavor at badinage metamorphosed bromidic."

"Bromidic, you say?! I will have you know, Monsieur Reader, that my clauses are never bromidic. Nay! They are spanking and ineffable. You, Sir, are benighted and your mother is an ungulate. Begone!"

The squirrels are trained not to attack me.

Today's lesson is all about dialogue, and the first lesson of creating dialogue is, you don't talk about creating dialogue. Wait. Wrong topic. The first lesson of creating dialogue is that you put the thesaurus down and back away slowly. If you are creating a period piece, though, I'll recall the squirrels. But be warned!

The most important thing to remember about dialogue is that it must feel natural. Most of the more specific tips on creating dialogue come right back to that basic principle. If your dialogue is not natural, at best you slap your readers out of their suspense of disbelief and at worst you have just lost a sale, a future sale, a possible agent, or a possible publisher.

With an exception or two depending on the genre that you are writing in, dialogue can be written without a single peek at a thesaurus, and you can capture that realism simply by paying attention to conversations around you. Unless "around you" means "I haven't seen the outside in months and the only living creatures I have to talk to are my pet cockroaches." In that case, take a shower, put on some clean clothes, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE. You don't even have to be social. Just go sit by yourself at a Starbucks with a writing journal and a pen and start paying attention.

Once you have filled up a few pages, are hopped up on seven cups of espresso, and are twitching like a meth addict, then (and only then) are you permitted to leave to return to your cave and start working on your characters' dialogue.

Since your attention span is going to be about as long as a drunken cricket's, I'm going to offer some additional tips in easy-to-read-between-wall-bouncing bullet points. Ready? Here we go!

• People have favorite or habitually used words or phrases. Your characters should too.


• Use contractions unless your character is supposed to sound pretentious or like he's giving a speech or is in some other formal setting. I am = I'm. You are = You're (or Your if you are typing your dialogue on some forum on the Internet. # PetPeeve).


• Practice writing dialogue without any attributions. This is hugely helpful in honing different speaking styles for different characters.


• Use sideways dialogue. "This bratwurst sausage is really good. Don't you think?" "Uhm, yeah." "I really like it when they are long like this, and thick. And how the juices just dribble out all over my chin." "Dude, that's gross. Freaking stop."


• Don't write out stuttering in dialogue. This one is a rule just asking to be broken. A cautionary note: All the commas, dashes, or ellipses (whichever you tend to use) can be distracting for a reader.


• If you are attempting to write in a certain dialect make sure that you are good at writing in that dialect, and the only way to do that is to run it by people, let them read it, and get some feedback. Writing dialogue in a dialect can end very very badly... like my following example: "Yo, Vinny. Dat sausage? Da bomb, man. Da bomb. Dose juices, like whoa. In mah mouf man. In mah mouf." (Author's note: I don't write dialect.) Instead, you could do this: "Yo, Vinny. That sausage? The bomb, man. The bomb," Tony said, his Italian accent thick on his tongue.

There's more that can be said about dialogue, but I'll save it for another time. I'm sure right now you are coming down from your caffeine high and probably shivering in the corner.

Exercise: Study the following picture and write a few lines of dialogue to describe what they could be chatting about. If you're feeling saucy, try it without attribution and with sideways dialogue. As always, the comments are waiting for your masterpieces.

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Comma Comma Chameleon: Punctuation for Fun and Profit

In this episode, we get to witness the beauty of true love and proper comma use. Open your hearts. Open your mind. And let the Comma Sutra be your guide. (ZOMG, POETRY!)

Comma Orgy
So, there I was, waiting for the bus, when out of nowhere, this gorgeous babe just walked right up to me, and, man, she was smokin', smokin' hot, then, you won't believe this, but, I swear it happened, she walked right up to me, and, wait for it, wait for it, burst into song! "Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Chameleon, you come and go, you come and go."

Leaving Your Commas at the Door

After she sang that most awesome refrain she reached over grabbed my coat jerked me forward and then kissed me it was awesome well except for that weird long sticky tongue of hers and I think I tasted chicken or something that tastes like chicken it was some kind of meaty taste but you know it was kind of a turn on.

Comma-Sutra
When the bus pulled up, she backed away and gave me a wink. I opened my mouth to ask her for her name or her phone number. Shoot, at that point I'd have been happy just knowing where she went to get her nails done. I swear I'd wait there every day for her if I had to, all day. I'd pay to have my feet massaged. I'd even let them give me a manicure. Pink nails with glitter? Sure! Anything as long as I might see her again. She put her finger to my lips, a playful grin on her own, and whispered, "Dinner. My place. 1234 Main. 7pm. Don't be late, and bring the grasshoppers." Seriously, I'm in love.

Exercise: Search Internet. Find examples of bad comma usage. Post in comments. Get a gold star!

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Grabbing the Bull by the Horns: An Intro to POV

When learning the craft of writing there are many many MANY elements that are important. A novel is 20% creativity, 40% perseverance, and 60% knowledge of the craft... and 1% knowing math. Dialogue? Important. Plot? Important. Theme? Important? Bacon? Important! So probably goes without saying that point-of-view (POV) is also important. Well, except that I just said it, but it was on the screen... in words... so really, I didn't say it. I think my ADHD is acting up tonight.

Where was I?

Oh yes. POV. Briefly, POV is the manner in which you tell your story and, to save the sanity of your readers, should remain consistent throughout the entire story. Rules are made to be broken, though, and I have seen a couple of good examples of POV-shift, but even those were a little disconcerting. POV also answers the following questions (from Gotham Writers' Workshop Fiction Writing: The Practical Guide):

• Who is speaking: a narrator or a character?


• Whose eyes are seeing the events of the story unfold?


• Whose thoughts does the reader have access to?


• From what distance are the events being viewed?

Many writers don't even consider POV when writing as they have a preferred style that they tend to slip into, but whether you are a new writer or not, thinking about POV before you begin your novel is a very good idea. It helps to consciously decide which POV to use before you begin writing, not only to save yourself a world of heartache when it comes time to edit, but to consider how a story might be be affected (and perhaps improved) if you use a different POV than you are used to using or reading. Before you begin your next story, or venture too far into a current one, it would benefit you to glance over this intro to POV (that I'm about to provide, I promise) and/or find a good workshop guide or two on POV. The importance here is to understand the basic differences between POVs so as to use the one that will present your story most appropriately and powerfully.

* Disclaimer: This is ONLY a super-basic intro to the three main points-of-view. The purpose here is to offer you an example of what you might see as far as pronoun use and (very) general tone of each POV. Once you decide if you'd like to use I, or you, or he/she, then you can delve further into that POV's specifics.

Okay, serious "disclaimer-y" stuff done. Now BRING ON THE BULLS!

FIRST PERSON

So there I was, running with the bulls, when I slipped! I thought for sure that I was going to be turned into a soprano, but luckily the bull ran on by.

First-person POV is kind of like this picture: The reader is there in the action with the characters, close to it, but not truly a part of it.  While the narrator uses "I" in first-person POV, the reader is aware that the "I" is referring to the character and not the reader. Another way that first-person POV is like this picture is that the focus is tight; the reader can't see the guy to the left, just out of the frame, who is about to become intimate with a 2,000 pound bull. What the character sees, the reader sees. No more.

First-person POV is intimate, but each time another character addresses the narrator, the readers are reminded that the "I" is not referring to them, and this keeps them just out of the path of the charging bull... just barely.

THIRD PERSON

The bull charged down the dirty street, directly towards the cornered runners. The fear was palpable and time seemed to slow. Alberto screamed as the massive beast neared and his last thought before he was bowled over was If I survive, I'm going to kill Javier for talking me into this.

This is third-person POV: The reader is safely viewing the action from a distance - everything happens to "he" or "her" - and you get to share the thoughts of the characters with the reader as well. Like first-person, this is also a very popular POV to use. If you are using third-person single or multiple, then the story will read much like one told from first-person. You are limited to sharing that which the character or characters personally witness in some way, but are able to tell the story in a different way. For example, if you are writing about a dog, you probably wouldn't use first-person POV (unless in your story dogs can talk). Third-person single or multiple offers you the chance to have a different narrator who is able to better speak for the characters than they themselves could.

One exception to the first-person and third-person similarity is third-person omniscient. This is where you present everything to the reader. Not only can the reader see the bull barreling down on Alberto, the reader also gets to see the other five bulls that are just around the corner, or the kid who is about to throw a rock at the bull to try and make it angrier, or the feral ferrets about to pour out from the sewer and devour everything in their path, including Alberto and the bull. The danger with this POV is there is a risk of letting the reader know that you, the writer, are there in the story. If the reader becomes aware of the author, it becomes more difficult to suspend disbelief. Also, this POV can seem impersonal, distancing your reader from your character even more.

SECOND PERSON

You went to the Running of the Bulls after Javier harassed you for weeks about it. Anything to shut him up. It didn't take long to realize that this was a big mistake. The first clue was when you got rammed into the wall by a passing bull, and the second clue was when you took a wrong turn and got trapped in an alley by an angry bull. As the bull charges you down, do you: (A) cry like a baby or (B) scream for your mommy? If you chose A, turn to page 42. If you chose B, turn the page.

Four steps to writing using second-person POV:

1. Read the example above of second-person POV.


2. Commit your reaction to memory.


3. Call up that memory any time you get an urge to write a novel in second-person.


4. Write your story in first- or third-person instead.

Of course I'm kidding! Kind of... Every time I see second-person POV in use in fiction, I think of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" stories. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I have a hard time taking second-person POV seriously, but if you are one of those daring writers who want to be unique, more power to you.

Have you ever watched one of those reality contest shows like Top Chef or Project Runway? Inevitably, there is a contestant who will say, "I knew that this would be a huge risk. It was either going to pay off BIG or it was going to fail miserably." That, my friends, is second-person POV. It can either be an amazing success or a colossal failure.

Second-person POV is highly intimate and this is perhaps why it can be so uncomfortable to read. This same reason is also why, when it succeeds, it succeeds admirably.

This was just a very brief overview of the three POVs, and there is much more to say on each of them. But it is important to know the differences between each POV and to consider which would be better for your story.

Exercise: Think of a brief scene (you could always use any of the images above as inspiration) and write that scene in first-person. Try to keep it short, perhaps a paragraph or two, but long enough to help you get a feel for first-person and for the reader (you, your pal, me) to understand what's going on and who the narrator is. After you finish that scene, rewrite that same scene in third-person POV. After you finish that, rewrite it one final time in second-person POV. Don't worry right now about such things as single, multiple, omniscient, et cetera. It's two paragraphs. I think you'll be fine! And remember, I would love to see your results in the comments.

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Walk Like an Egyptian: Plotting and Pyramids

Figure 1

Every story needs structure. In the way that a good bra holds up the girls, a good plot structure holds up your story. And without that underwire and cotton support your story becomes saggy, flopping all over the place like two puppies trying to escape from a sack.

One of the definitive examples for plotting your story is Freytag's Pyramid, a model that, when viewed in graphic-form, looks suspiciously similar to that good bra, albeit much more pointy. Freytag's Pyramid was created by German playwright, Gustav Freytag and is from his study of the five-act dramatic structure called Die Technik des Dramas (1863).


In Chapter 2, Freytag outlines the five acts:

1. 1. Einleitung (Introduction, i.e. Exposition)


2. 2. Steigerung (Increase, i.e. Rising Action)


3. 3. Höhenpunkt (Peak, i.e. Climax)


4. 4. Fall oder Umkehr (Case or Conversion, i.e. Falling Action)


5. 5. Katastrophe (No translation necessary, but modern triangles describe this act as the dénouement or conclusion)

These acts are then visualized as a triangle or pyramid which graphically present the acts in a way that reflects their role in a story (see Figure 1). This pyramid reflects the necessary structure of your basic plot. You introduce your readers to an arc, you ramp up the suspense so that the reader is on the edge of his or her seat, and then you present the climax, giving the reader a chance to peak. That peak, or climax, is the place where your reader is finally able to find a release for the suspense and tension that you've been building in them. I am trying very hard here to not devolve into the world of sexual metaphor, but it's actually a very apt comparison. Though this means that the Falling Action is the "afterglow" part and the Conclusion would be the part where you either fall asleep in each other's arms, or you gnaw off your own arm and sneak out before the sun comes up.

Figure 2

As a writer, you are not limited to just a single pyramid, either. In fact, the best stories, if mapped out on a Freytag's Pyramid, look very much like a mountain range (see Figure 2). Think about a good horror story: One Rising Action might be where the reader sees the hand reaching slowly out from under the bed towards the ankle of the sleeping co-ed; the related Climax could be where the hand grabs, but the co-ed turns in her sleep and the hand just misses her. Coming down from that climax, you will probably not want to take your reader all the way back to a calm and relaxed state, but you need to offer that initial release followed by a Falling Action and some semblance of a conclusion. Then you would introduce another scene where there can be a Rising Action-Climax-Falling Action-Conclusion and, if you play your reader right, you can keep bringing them up and partially back down the pyramids over and over until you get to the final climax...

... and that is the point where the reader finally feels that exhausted, fulfilled sense of relief.

To wrap up, just remember, your story needs a good support bra and you need to sex up your readers. Or something like that.

2 February 2013 Note: When trying to fix some site problems and port it to a new host, Figures 1 and 2 were lost. I found them again via Google, but the sites that archived them had small copies. I apologize for the low-res, hard to read pyramids.

Exercise: Take a story that you've written or are currently writing and map it using Freytag's Pyramid. If you don't have your own story, feel free to use any other story you'd like. I'd love to see your mapping (either in graphic or written form) in the comments.

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Dress for Success

One interview tip that prospective employees are given is to dress for the job you want. This is one of those tips that can carry over into everything you do, as the way you dress reflects how other people view you. I know there are many people out there already saying, "But I don't care what other people think!"  Well, that's all fine and dandy, but if you walk into your bank hoping to get some help with an erroneous fee and you are dressed like a local streetwalker, there is a better than good chance that the level of assistance that you receive will be directly related to your appearance.

The same holds true for how you speak. For the same naysayers that are getting ready to argue that how you speak does not reflect who you are and/or how qualified you are for something, I just want to say... BS.

Outrage Alert! The following fictional pieces of dialogue are based on stereotypes, for better or worse. Their point is to make a point, not make a subjective observation about groups of people and their potential grammar skills. If you are outraged by my dialogue examples, I encourage you to remember that this is a HUMOR writing tips site and that these are FICTIONAL characters and dialogues nippets. End Alert.

Doctor #1: "Hi, I'm Dr. Smith, your anesthesiologist. I'll be taking good care of you today, Sky. I like to repeat my patient's names to help me remember them. -wink-  Here is how your surgery will play out. First, you will get an IV to give you fluids. I will inject the IV line with a drug that will make you drowsy. After that, you won't remember a thing until you wake up with me by your side in the recovery area. Did you have any questions?"

Doctor #2: "Howdy, I'm Doc Bill, and I'll be puttin' ya'll to sleep today. I done forgot your name. Sky? Oh, okay. I've wroten it down here so I remember. Ok... Sky... here's how today's gonna go for ya. I writ a perscripshen fer a little bit of happy medicine. You get the happy medicine, you sleep, you wake up. All done! Any questions, sweetie?"

We can go so far as to have our fictional doctors being at the top of their classes in med school with a stellar track record, but which doctor sounds more professional?  I'll give you a hint: It's not Doctor #2.

Of course, I hear the whispering, "But I LIKE doctor #2. He's more real. More down-to-earth and approachable!"

Ok, a new #2 for you:

Doctor #2a: "Yo, I'm Doc MC and I got the fishizzle for yo grizzle. Now, I don't make all deese Bejamins fo' nuttin', yo. Trust yo Daddy. You'll wake up, girl, and it'll all be good. Straight?"

Or how about Doctor #2b? -The doctor enters and sets your cell on the bed next to you and then picks up his cell. He texts you.- "hihi lololo im ur doc 2day i has teh drugs dis wil b soooo fun! yay!"

All right, ignore the fact that you should not have your cell phone in the OR, okay? Look at the bigger picture and point I am trying to make.

The problem is that many people just don't care what they sound like, what they look like, or how they write. Yet like how you dress, how you present yourself in the written or spoken word is important. There are grammar rules for a reason, and they are not to make the speaker sound pretentious. Proper grammar is like proper grooming--it shows that you care about yourself.  And if you don't care about yourself, how can you expect others to?

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An Eye on the Prize: About Desire

When creating a complete character, one of the first things that any writer needs to consider is the desire that drives the character. What does your character need or want? How will your character's pursuit of this desire contribute to the story? It isn't enough to simply flesh out your character's appearance and basic personality, you must also glean from your character what it is that he or she wants, and wants badly. Without a desire, your character is not only flat, your story is flat. You can create grand vistas in words so powerful that the readers feel that they are there, but without that carrot-on-a-stick known as desire, your mule simply won't go.

You might be saying, "Well, duh. Of course my character needs a desire. That's why I decided that my character's desire is to not feel like such a slouching, ambling, insecure dope." Well, that's a fine start, but it's not enough. A better way to think about your character and desire is in the terms of general and specific. Perhaps your character's general desire is to be more suave than the aforementioned dope, but that is not enough for a complete story. In order to truly bring your character to life, you need to couple that general desire with a specific desire. A specific desire for the same character could be that he wants to step outside of his comfort zone (by joining the military, or taking public speaking classes, or throwing a ring into a molten mountain) in order to achieve his general desire of being awesome.

Depending on the length of your story, your character could have many desires that help propel the story forward, but in all cases, these desires need to reflect specific wants or needs that will help the character achieve general wants or needs. In fact, your character doesn't even really need to know his own desires - learning about what he wants could be a part of his growth in the story - but you need to know. You are your character's creator, his mother or father, his god. You have to know your character better than you know yourself.

Now some writers might prefer to learn about their characters as they write them, and that's fine, but if you come to the end of your story and have never laid out your character's general and specific desire(s), then you are missing a vital piece that will make your story complete.

Exercise: Study the following picture and create a list of three possible general desires and three possible specific desires that this person has. Feel free to share in the comments!

Steampunk player. Burning Man 2011. Photo by Trey Ratcliff

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